Zombie Theory

TJ’s Zombie Theory

Zombies have been pretty popular the last few years. Whether it’s reanimated corpsi, a genetic experiment gone awry, or some sort of mind-altering vi-rus, there’s been all sorts of different ways to get you to the same place. A bunch of scary mindless freaks that used to be your mother, neighbor, or countryman trying to eat your entrails. We watch the movies and shows, we read old books with zombies inserted in them, we nibble on human flesh from time to time to see what it tastes like. We’re obsessed. If they made a TV show called Brady Bunch Zombies, it would be the highest rated TV show of all time. Hint, hint. The question is though, how did we get here?

Some people who think they’re smarter than me will argue that zombies represent the chaos in society, the unknown monster inside all of us. Some argue that zombie stories are a way to study the human condition. Personally, I think all those people are idiots.

I think it goes above just enjoying stories about zombies. I think we want an outbreak. We hope that zombies will over-run the streets. Society craves a Zombie-pocalypse. Why? Because simply put, we’re morons. Everyone has this little part in their brain that thinks, when called upon, they can be a hero. Everybody thinks that they’re going to be the one trucking across the country, looking for survivors, twinkies, or love in between epic close calls with hordes of the undead. They think they’re the one who’ll be lopping off their co-workers head with make shift weapons they ingeniously fashioned with household items or suddenly they’ll have access to unlimited ammo and have become a perfect shot and proficient in firearms just because someone wants to chew their arm like corn. Oh, did I mention dropping sweet ass one liners the whole way through?

The fact of the matter is, in the very unlikely event of a Zombie-pocalypse, the only thing you’re going to be using your Zombie Survival Guide for is a useless projectile seconds before a zombie tears open your neck with his teeth. If the streets were filled with zombies, even the slow ones, it would be only a matter of time before either the numbers game caught up with you or you did something stupid. If Aunt Gertrude turns into a Zombie at dinner you aren’t going to bust out four backflips, slide across the linoleum, grab the spare chainsaw from the pantry and take out Old Gert. You’re going to scream, be frozen in your chair, shit your pants, and die.

And then, depending on what type of Zombie Aunt Gert is, you’ll probably be reanimated and eat your kid. So chew on that for awhile, zombie-lovers, chew on that.